Romantic relationships are often a delicate dance between two individuals, each bringing their own experiences, expectations, and quirks to the partnership. When one partner is autistic and the other non-autistic, this dynamic can become even more layered and complex, often leading to moments of both profound connection and perplexing misunderstanding.
‘He was refreshingly different’ is what I often hear women say about what first attracted them to their autistic husbands. People can be looking for partners who are honest and transparent, especially if they have had other close relationships with people where trust has not been established. This lack of artifice is often a characteristic seen in autistic people, and one of their great assets. Yet, as my research showed, this positive characteristic often causes both partners tensions in their romantic relationships.
As the relationship matures the non-autistic partner can become confused by their partners honesty. Instead of seeing this as refreshing, they may start to think that their partner is being rude, or argumentative. For example, when asked ‘Shall we go out with my friends at the weekend?’ the autistic person may respond with ‘I’d rather not as I don’t like being with them that much.’ It is easy to feel rejected along with the friends. But the reality might have been better explained as ‘I don’t like seeing anyone for too long if I can’t get away easily’.
On the flip side, the non-autistic partner’s well-practiced social skills can be confusing to their autistic counterpart. Instances of compromise or emotional accommodation—such as watching a TV show together despite not enjoying it that much—can be misinterpreted as dishonest and may be confusing. The non-autistic partner could respond, ‘Why have you watched Dr Who with me for all these years when you now say that you never enjoyed it? I feel as though you have been lying to me. How can I trust you?’
This illustrates how we should not read our own expectations into our partners efforts at communication. Instead, if we feel hurt or disappointed by something that they have said or done, rather than making assumptions ask for clarification. Try to understand how they believe romantic relationships should work, how they feel that this is not being fulfilled, and then develop a mutually satisfying way forward. I suspect that you will need to keep coming back to this for review!
Mid-Devon Community Family Trust (MDCFT) 